One of the things I really could not seem to get over about having a child, was the fact that it felt like no one told me what to expect, especially when I was pregnant. Even the book, “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” and all of the sagas that came after that, did not fully prep me for the grab bag of horrors that pregnancy had to offer. Pregnancy is so often portrayed as a “magical” experience. The only thing “magical” about my pregnancy was when I would have the foresight to drink a smoothie for breakfast so that when I inevitably vomited in the morning, it wouldn’t be as miserable. So let’s remove the veil here, you guys. Sure, some women somehow make pregnancy look like the simplest thing in the world. Those are the girls that are, “all tummy”, and were “a little tired in the first trimester”. First, of all I hate you solely out of jealousy, and second, I think you should be the only people procreating. For the women who had a less than glowing pregnancy, all of my Kim’s to the aforementioned Kourtney’s (please don’t hold that Kardashian reference against me), I say to you: Cheers! *promptly chugs four dollar wine*.

I’m going to do a favor for all of the women planning to have children, or those who are currently pregnant, and tell you all of the sh*t no one told me while I was pregnant:

1. The Truth About Constipation
If you think you have known constipation before pregnancy, I am here to tell you that you know nothing of the extent to which constipation can reach while you are pregnant. I can almost guarantee that at one point in your pregnancy you will be on toilet trying to make a bowel movement, and you’ll be convinced that you’re going to accidentally give birth. Honestly, it feels as though the likelihood of giving birth on the toilet is higher than successfully passing any sort of bowel movement. Which leads me to my next point…

2. The Hemorrhoids, Oh the Hemorrhoids
No one is real enough about the hemorrhoids. I remember during their own pregnancies, a couple of close friends texted me in what I imagine to be a sheepish tone, and asked, “hey, did you get hemorrhoids while you were pregnant?”. To which I loudly and proudly replied “Why yes, of course I got hemorrhoids! At one point they were so wretched, I couldn’t sit down for a week!”. So, yeah you can end up with some pretty bad hemorrhoids while you’re pregnant. I strongly suggest stocking up on a topical hemorrhoid cream, and utilizing stool softener. You are so welcome!

3. Morning Suckiness
If you are subject to morning sickness, just know it is not a puke to plan for. You know how when you’re hungover or you have the stomach flu, you’ve got about a minute to contemplate the best position to puke in–also squeeze in a prayer or two? Yeah, well morning sickness is something more akin to food poisoning. It will hit you whenever and wherever. Puking from morning sickness is as comical and untimely in real life as it is in the movies. Seriously. I’ve thrown up on myself in the car, and I’ve done it in the bushes at a number of public establishments. I’ve thrown up in my office waste basket, and I vomited on literally every plane ride I took while I was pregnant. Honestly, I might hold the record for “Highest Number of Pukes On A Plane” for Delta and United Airlines. 

4. Tender Nips
I don’t think anyone told me about just how tender my nipples would be during my pregnancy. So I’m going to tell you right now, the boob pain doesn’t go away. It’s not just a first trimester thing. Showers are going to suck because it will feel like tiny razors slicing at your precious nips. I’m going to pass on a great piece of advice that was given to me: take a shower with a bathing suit top on. Just trust me.

5. Announcing the Baby Name
I’m going to warn you now, because no one warned me: if you decide to tell people what you want to name your baby, they will not hold back their opinions or their displeasure at the potential namesake of your unborn child. People will tell you about someone they grew up with that had the same name, and how that kid ate paste until they were in the 9th grade. And, you don’t want to birth a paste eater right? So there goes the name Tommy. My one piece of advice for you when it comes to baby names, is to not tell people what you are going to name your baby. It’s really not any of their business anyways.

6. Baby Brain Blackouts
You might have heard of “baby brain”, which is a cutesy name for being more forgetful while you’re pregnant. Okay, well no one told me “baby brain” for me was going to be me pretty much turning into the guy from Momento. Seriously. I could not remember anything. I remember people telling me things about that time during my life, and honestly I would never know if they were telling the truth or lying. Truly, I might’ve blacked out for 9 months. It’s understandable because you’re so distracted thinking about all of the things to come with your child, that you are not actively paying attention to much else that goes on around you. Also, another brain is being developed in your uterus, so it inevitably will steal from yours. 

I think those were some things I was the most surprised to have to deal with while I was pregnant. It was baffling to me that women weren’t more vocal about these weird physical and mental occurrences that really affected my day to day. I felt a little shafted to be honest. I’m a firm believer in knowing all of the worst case scenarios before going into a situation, so that I can come out on the other side more pleasantly surprised than disappointed. Hopefully you feel the same way and found this helpful, albeit TMI, but helpful nonetheless.