Dear Me..

So you just took that first pregnancy test after denying that your period had been particularly suspicious this month.. only gracing you with a few light spots. That’s called ‘implantation bleeding’ fyi.

You’re going to take all three tests in the box because that second line is just so faint that it almost feels like a cruel, cosmic joke. There’s no way you can be pregnant, you were taking the pill! Another fyi, birth control pills lose efficacy during a round of antibiotics.

You’re going to go to Urgent Care in brutal denial, even though your boobs hurt every time you breathe, and you’re going to turn stark white when the doctor comes back into the room with your results and a huge smile, and excitedly says, “Well you’re pregnant!”.

You’ll look at your boyfriend, who you just got in a horrible fight with and more or less broke up with the week before this fateful day. When you get home after finding out this daunting news, he’s going to tell you, “I’ll never forgive you if you get an abortion”. That will be the moment realize this is a man who has kept you trapped solely for his own sense of control, which he’ll eventually resent you for.

You’ll only confide in one friend, at first, and she’ll tell you that the only thing you can do is what’s best for you. You’ll walk your dog early one March morning, while you throw up in the bushes, and think to yourself I know I’m going to end up a single-mom…can I do this? And you’ll answer yourself back: Yes, I can do this.

You’ll throw up every single day, including in the office trash can, in multiple store parking lots, and behind the dumpster at your restaurant job. Your boyfriend will call your parents, confidently telling them how excited we are and how we can do this, and how we might be young but we’re ready. But, deep down you’ll know.

I wish, in those early days of pregnancy, you could have been where I am now knowing that this man would not be the person, or the father, he so dreamily claimed to be. I wish you knew how much hurt you had ahead of you, so that maybe just maybe you could get a jump-start on single-momdem. That’s not a word, but future you is beyond her time.

You’re going to use your pregnant inspiration to write some awesome articles, which will bump you in the right direction for doing what you’ve wanted to do… but don’t be fooled you’ve still got a long way ahead of you, even at the ripe old age of 26.

Word of advice, your OBGYN sucks. Get another one. This guy is a douche and can’t be bothered with any questions, which is why you don’t ask them. However, he’ll pull through for you when you’re 8 months pregnant and having to move back in with your parents. He’ll sign your early disability leave paperwork without hesitation.

You’re going to tell all of your closest friends when you’re only 6 weeks pregnant, and they’ll be so happy and terrified for you, and they’re going to rally around you even though you’ve managed to alienate yourself for the past two years because of an emotionally abusive relationship.

You’re going to pull it together, graduate college (in your 5th year but whatever), you’ll get an internship 2 hours away with traffic, and you’ll throw up the whole way there. You’re gonna eat like a box of pop tarts every three days, I’m not even kidding.

You’re gonna quit one of your jobs because your boss is an asshole, and good for you honey!

For some reason you’ll insist on heavy lifting at your bartending job, and you shouldn’t do that. Let people help you, you big dummy. You’re already so sweaty, just look at you and your swamp-ass. Seriously. Sit down. Get a stool. Sit down.

Your sweet husky, will become your best friend as your unborn child’s father gets home later, and later. You’ll turn 23 when you’re seven months pregnant, and your car will break down, and your boyfriend will complain about coming to help you on the side of the 405 freeway. You two will break up just before your baby shower, where you’re going to have to actively operate in denial the entire time, around the women who know you best. What’s continuing the lie that this relationship is just a little bit longer? They’ll know soon enough.

Your ex will make you promises to pay for an apartment for you while you’re on maternity leave, so he can remain close to his child. He just knows he’ll be a hands on father. You’ll eventually know better. That promise will become a lie, and you’ll find out he’s been seeing someone while you’re still in the same apartment. You’re going to have to tell your Mom and Dad and it’s going to be the saddest moment of your life. Your dad and little brother will help you move your big boxes 8 hours up to Northern California. You’re going to pack up the rest of your things, and move them out by yourself. You’ll pack you, and your dog, and your tiny broken heart into your new car, head up the 5 freeway, and cry the entire way.

You’re gonna gain like 60lbs, sorry dude, it’s just gonna happen. You’ve somehow managed to create the largest human of life, and your new amazing OBGYN is going to feel really bad for you.

You’re going to get to visit with your sweet Grandma, every week, and fulfill her last years with a lot of laughter and happiness. She never admitted it, but deep down you knew you were her favorite grandchild. You’re going to solidify old friendships, with women you haven’t seen in years, who will end up being some of your most trusted confidants in the years to come.

I’m so proud of you, past pregnant me, for not letting your anger towards your son’s father get in the way of their relationship. This allowed you to see his true colors, and operate with caution moving forward. You’re always going to do the right thing in this regard, despite the fears and the hesitations you have. Pregnant you has some good instincts, and you were right to not adhere to the hate so many people rightfully wanted you to harbor.

You’re going to fit your pieces back together, no matter how shattered you thought they were. Your parents and your friends and your family are going to help you pick up the pieces. You’re going to give birth, and look into the eyes of your newest, best friend, and you are going to figure it all out.